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I Never Had Any Desire To Be Famous. I Find People Who Do Really Sad. I Genuinely Feel Sorry For Them Because There Is Nothing Of Substancein Their Lives. I Am Happy When I Am Writing Or Performing. Not When I Sit There Being "famous". I Like Recognition For My Work, But Not Recognition For Being "that Bloke Off The Telly". It Is Genuinely Humbling When A Woman Comes Up To Me, As Someone Did Recently, To Say She Wanted To Commit Suicide After Her Husband Died, And My Show Cheered Her Up And Made Her Feel Better. That's Great.

There's Never Any Graffiti In The Hotel. Although In The Gents A Couple Of Weeks Ago I Did See Someone Had Drawn A Lady's Part. Quite Detailed. The Guy Obviously Had Talent.

I Find Impressionists Slightly Annoying, Really.

I'm Not Elitist. I Like To Do Crowd-pleasing Stuff Which Is A Bit Smart, But Is Just About Belly Laughs.

People Come Up To Me In Supermarkets And Demand Humour. And The Less Amusing I Am, The More They Piss Themselves. So I Say, "i'm Doing My Shopping, Mate, Ok?" And The Guy Will Be On The Floor In Hysterics. Quite Odd. Eventually I Do Have To Say Something Funny So I Usually Go For Something Pathetic Like, "it's A Nice Place To Shop But I Wouldn't Like To Live Here!" And They Roar Again. Wet Themselves. I'm Lucky Though That I Am Not Massively Famous, I Can Get The Tube Without Much Bother. Must Be Awful Being The Beckhams.