It's A Shame Cars Don't Run On

I Was A Drinker, So I Went Through The Scotches. Before Single Malts Hit, There Were Really Cheap Scotches, Because Nobody Was Paying Attention To Them. Then By The Time They Started Jacking Those Prices Up, I Moved On To Vodka.

The Only Thing Dumber Than A Democrat Or A Republican Is When Those Pricks Work Together. You See, In Our Two-party System, The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas And The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. It Usually Goes Something Like This. A Republican Will Stand Up In Congress And Say, 'i've Got A Really Bad Idea.' And A Democrat Will Immediately Jump To His Feet And Declare, 'and I Can Make It Sh*ttier.'

When A Country Wants Television More Than They Want Clean Water, They've Lost Their Grip.

You Want To Know What It's Like To Be On A Plane For 22 Hours? Sit In A Chair, Squeeze Your Head As Hard As You Can, Don't Stop, Then Take A Paper Bag And Put It Over Your Mouth And Nose And Breath Your Own Air Over And Over And Over.

There Are Two Things I Know About Life... Only The Good Die Young But The Real Jerks Will Live Forever.