This Is The Tonight Show. I Can't

Ours Is A Government Of Checks And Balances. The Mafia And Crooked Businessmen Make Out Checks, And The Politicians And Other Compromised Officials Improve Their Bank Balances.

Religious Believers Of The World, You Are Free To Continue To Debate The Simple, Narrow Question That Divides You From Atheists, But You Have No Right, In So Doing, To Treat The Humanists Of The World With Contempt. You Owe Them A Deep Debt Of Gratitude, For Not Only Have They Shed Much Light On A Naturally Dark World But They Have Very Probably Helped Civilize Your Own Specific Religion.

Civilization Itself . . . Can Easily Be Swept Aside When Mob Passions Are Aroused.

In A Rational Society We Would Want Our Presidents To Be Teachers. In Our Actual Society We Insist They Be Cheerleaders.

Nothing Is Better Than The Unintended Humor Of Reality.