I'm Nothing If Not An Optimist.

You Know Who's Also Joining The Wall Street Protesters? Kanye West. That's A Real Good Idea -- A Guy With Diamonds In His Teeth Protesting Greed.

The 4th Of July Combines The Two Things Americans Love Most In One Day: Alcohol And Explosives.

When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

Everyday Is A Compromise.

Pope Francis Is Going To Go To Washington, D.c., To Address Congress. He Believes The New England Patriots Have Been Deflating His Giant Hat.