I'm From Downer's Grove, Illinois. We Had

In College I Was One Of Six Males Who Auditioned For Five Male Roles In A Comedy Play. I Was The One Rejected. At That Moment I Made Up My Mind Never To Place Myself At The Mercy Of Some Pompous, Goateed, Black-turtleneck-shirted "should I Yay Him Or Nay Him?" Pantywaist Ever Again.

Now There's A Seven-day Waiting Period To Buy A Gun. Who Can Stay Mad That Long?

My Dad Always Said, If Someone Hands You A Lemon, Make Lemonade. Plus That Also Works Wonderfully As A Metaphor.

At My Lemonade Stand I Used To Give The First Glass Away Free And Charge Five Dollars For The Second Glass. The Refill Contained The Antidote.

My Sister Just Had A Baby. We Can Have Company Over. She'll Be In Front Of Everyone With Her Um... Breast... Out Feeding It. You Know... Cereal Or Whatever.