If You're Going To Have Sex, Use

The Only Time I'd Played Organized Basketball Was My Sophomore Year In High School, When I Barely Made The Junior Varsity Team.

For Five Years I've Felt Like The Best Prostitute In A High-class Whorehouse. But All The Other Girls Get Paid More Than I Do.

I Have One Regret: I Wish I Was A Better Father.

Why It's Been Left To Me To Smooth Things Over, I Don't Know. Dennis Rodman, Of All People. Keeping Us Safe Is Really Not My Job; It's The Black Guy's [obama's] Job. But I'll Tell You This: If I Don't Finish In The Top Three For The Next Nobel Peace Prize, Something's Seriously Wrong.

A Player Dreams Of Being A Superstar, But He Doesn't Want People Flocking All Over Him Asking For An Autograph.