If You See Something, Say Something.

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.

The Whole Thing About Working In Front Of The Camera Is To Make People Laugh When They're Not Supposed To.

You Know You Have A Drinking Problem When The Bartender Knows Your Name -- And You've Never Been To That Bar Before.

You Know You're Getting Fat When Your Socks Don't Fit.

It's Not Good For Comedy To Be Like, 'thanks For Liking Me'. Being Popular Is Poison.