If I Don't Do Stand-up For Two

My Stepfather, John O'hara, Was The Goodest Man There Was. He Was Not A Man Of Many Words, But Of Carefully Chosen Ones. He Was The One Parent Who Didn't Try To Fix Me. One Night I Sat On His Lap In His Chair By The Wood Stove, Sobbing. He Just Held Me Quietly And Then Asked Only, "what Does It Feel Like?" It Was The First Time I Was Prompted To Articulate It. I Thought About It, Then Said, "i Feel Homesick." That Still Feels Like The Most Accurate Description - I Felt Homesick, But I Was Home.

My Mom Was Always Someone Who If, Even Now, I Say I Met A Certain Famous Person, She Always Says, "she's Married To So And So!"

I Don't Need A Lot Of Space.

If You Sell The Vatican And You Take That Money And You Use It To Feed Every Single Human Being On The Planet, You Will Get Cah-azy Pussy. All The Pussy. I Don't Mean Literally. That Might Not Be Your Cup Of Tea. I Don't Know What Your Version Of 'all The Pussy' Is. But You'll Get All The Pussy.

I Think Fake Boobs Have Done Great Things For Real Boobs. I Think People Finally Appreciate Real Boobs. People Like Real Boobs. I Do. I Also Enjoy The Fact That They Are Life-nourishers.