If I Don't Do Stand-up For Two

When I Was 9 Or 10 Years Old, My Dad Took Me Over To A Neighboring Farm To Help Get Stuff For The Meal. The Farmer, Vic, Told Me To Look At All The Turkeys And Pick One Out. I Saw A Cute One With A Silly Walk And Cried, 'him!' Before My Pointing Finger Had Even Dropped To My Side, Vic Had Grabbed The Turkey By The Neck And Slit [the Animal's] Throat. Blood And Feathers Went Flying. I Had Sentenced That Turkey To Death! Up Until Then, I Didn't Know Where Meat Came From—and I've Been A Vegetarian Ever Since.

You're Supposed To Have Friends You Can Tell Anything To.

I Don't Get This Shitty Attitude That Only Gays Should Care About Gay Issues And Only Women Should Care About Women's Issues.

I Know How To Write. So I Am Not Totally At The Mercy Of Filmmakers, But It's Not A Bad Point.

When You're A Comic, It's Like Being Born Gay. It's What You Want To Do Every Night When Your Other Friends Are Out At Night Going To Parties.