If A Drink Was Ice Cold, It

This Shirt Is "dry-clean Only"... Which Means It's Dirty.

You Should Never Tell Someone They Have A Nice Dimple, Because Maybe They Were Shot In The Face With A Bb Gun.

If 13 Is Unlucky, Then 12 And 14 Are Guilty By Association.

There's A Guy In The Audience With A Distinctive Laugh. I Hope That Guy Is Miked. The Only Problem With Having A Distinctive Laugh Is I Know Exactly When That Guy Isn't Laughing. "oh, Distinctive Laugh Doesn't Think That Joke Was Funny!"

Sometimes I Wake Up And I Think I Should Start Wearing A Beret, But I Don't Do It. One Day I'm Gonna, Though. You Bet Your Ass, I Will Have A Beret On. That's Ridiculous, But It's True. I Always Fight With Wearing A Beret.