I'd Tried To Straighten Him Out, But

People Ask Me, 'have You Ever Considered Doing Stand-up?' To Me It Would Be Less Offensive If Someone Asked Me, 'have You Ever Considered Dental Implants?'

Thank God I'm In England, Because If I Lived In Any Other Country, It'd Probably Be The Philippines. Because With Rodrigo Duterte As The Leader They Couldn't Really Give Me Attitude On Donald Trump.

If I Were President, I Would Turn The Tables And Allow The Fetus To Abort Its Mother.

What Other People Call Dark And Despairing, I Call Funny.

I'm Glad That I Didn't Have The Internet When I Started Writing. I Started Writing When I Was 20 And Didn't Show A Word Of It To Anyone Until I Was 28. I Had The Sense To Keep It To Myself. Now The Temptation With Blogs And Such, They're Just Getting It Out There; Maybe It Would Have Been Best To Keep It To Themselves.