I Went To The Home Depot, Which

If I Had A Dollar For Every Time I Said That, I'd Be Making Money In A Very Weird Way.

I've Always Wanted To Have A Suitcase Handcuffed To My Wrist. That's Not A Full Joke There! It's Filler.

I Went To A Restaurant, And I Saw A Guy Wearing A Leather Jacket, Eating A Hamburger, Drinking A Glass Of Milk. I Said, "dude, You Are A Cow. The Metamorphosis Is Complete. Don't Fall Asleep Or I Will Tip You Over!"

My Roommate Says, "i'm Going To Take A Shower And Shave. Does Anyone Need To Use The Bathroom?" It's Like Some Weird Quiz Where He Reveals The Answer First.

If You Want To Talk To Me After The Show, I'd Be Surprised.