I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading

I Would Imagine The Inside Of A Bottle Of Cleaning Fluid Is Really Clean. I Would Imagine A Vodka Bottle Is Really Drunk.

Sometimes I Wake Up And I Think I Should Start Wearing A Beret, But I Don't Do It. One Day I'm Gonna, Though. You Bet Your Ass, I Will Have A Beret On. That's Ridiculous, But It's True. I Always Fight With Wearing A Beret.

This Shirt Is "dry-clean Only"... Which Means It's Dirty.

I'm A Mumbler. If I'm Walking With A Friend, And I Say Something, He Says, "what?" So I Say It Again, And He Says, "what?" Really, It's Just Some Insignificant Stuff I'm Saying, But Now I'm Yelling, "that Tree Is Far Away!"

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.