I Was In A Bar And I

America Can't Beat Anyone Anymore.

On Christmas Morning, Before We Could Open Our Christmas Presents, We Would Go To This Stranger's Home And Bring Them Presents. I Remember Helping Clean The House Up And Putting Up A Tree. My Father Believed That You Have A Responsibility To Look After Everyone Else.

In 2003 I Was Saying, Where Are The Ties [between Iraq] And Al-qaida? Where Are The Ties To 9/11? I Knew It; Where The F**k Were These Democrats Who Said, 'we Were Misled'? That's The Kind Of Thing That Drives Me Crazy: 'we Were Misled.' F**k You, You Weren't Misled. You Were Afraid Of Being Called Unpatriotic.

My Father Taught Me About Having Principles And How To Treat People With Respect. My Aunt Also Taught Me How To Keep A Perspective On Everything That Happens To You. So You Learn To Be Humble And Not Take Your Success For Granted.

Even The Idea Of A Fart Makes Me Laugh. Saying The Word 'fart' Makes Me Laugh. I Have Ifart On My Phone. I Have Remote Whoopee Cushions. Farts. To Me, There's Nothing Funnier.