I Was A Republican Until They Lost

If You Go Out With A Girl And They Say She Has A Great Personality, She's Ugly. If They Tell You A Guy Works Hard, He Can't Play A Lick. Same Thing.

Everybody In New York Thinks The Knicks Are Playboy Bunnies, And I Have Been Telling Them For Years The Knicks Are A Rabbit. They're Closer To A Playboy Bunny This Year But For The Last Few Years These Guys Are Like, 'we Have A Really Good Team!' And I Say, 'you Really Think That?' And I Say, 'no, They Don't.' But This Is The Best Team They've Had In A While.

I Came To The Realization A Couple Months Ago That I Am Fat. If You Get Tired From Walking - And That's All That Golf Is - Then You Are Officially Fat.

On His Homesickness During The Barcelona Olympics -i Miss America. I Miss Crime And Murder. I Miss Philadelphia. There Hasn't Been A Brutal Stabbing Or Anything Here The Last 24 Hours. I've Missed It.

I Don't Have Time To Put Up With The Politics. Who's A Democrat? Who's A Republican? Who's Liberal? Who's Conservative? Man, Can My Daughter Just Go To A School And Not Get Killed? Can These People Get A Good Job? That's What I'm Concerned About.