I Think A Lot Of People Have

There Are Certain Things I Don't Want To Joke About. If It's About Somebody Else, It's Fine. If It's About Me, I Think It's Totally Insensitive!

If You're A Lead Actor, People Are Just Waiting To Say 'you're Too Old' Or 'you're Too Unhip.' If You're A Supporting Actor, You Can Just Work Forever.

I Was Talking To Jesus, And I Said, Jesus, I Feel Like No One Will Ever Accept Me. And Jesus Looked At Me And Said, You Know What My Theory Is? Accept Me Or Go To Hell.

One Thing I Can Take Credit For, Along With The Rest Of Show Business, Is When The Red Ribbons Were Out, We Cured Aids. Any Advancements That Came Towards Fighting Aids Were Not Done By Scientists Or Doctors - It Was People With Little Ribbons On Their Lapels.

I Always Feel That Most Political Jokes, If You're Going To Do Them, You Have To Do Them Within The Next Five Minutes, Or Else They're Outdated. By The Time You've Got It To The Point That It's Strong, It Would Be 12 Years Old.