I Spent All Night Feeding The Homeless

I Can't Talk Politics With My Cousin Because He's Such A Hypocrite. He's Against The Death Penalty And He Hanged Himself.

She Got Really Mad A Month Ago, Because She Had E-mailed Me A Naked Picture Of Herself - Which Is A Nice Thing To Do - But Then I Messed Up, And I Accidentally Forwarded That E-mail To Both Of My Parents. Now, My Girlfriend Is Furious, Mortified, But I Don't Even Care, 'cause Now I Have To Call Up My Mother And Say 'mom, I Am So Sorry - That Picture Was Just For Dad.'

My Dad Was Amazing. He Raised Five Boys. All By Himself. Without The Rest Of Us Knowing.

About A Year After I Moved To Los Angeles, I Decided I Wanted To Be A Joke Writer For A Late Night Talk Show. So I Met With A Late Night Joke Writer And He Told Me That I Should Start By Doing Stand-up Comedy, Because That Would Really Hone My Sense Of Humor And Joke Writing Ability. Eventually I Took A Stand-up Class And A Few Months Later I Had A Seven-minute Act.

In Comedy, I Hate That Cop-out Where You Say, "just Kidding." I Know You're Just Kidding. Don't Insult My Intelligence By Spelling It Out For Me That Much.