I Refuse To Grow Up. I Won't

I Don't Want To Get High With My Kids, Because Then Everything Is Different Forever. That's So Stupid, I Think.

I Am On A Drug. It's Called Charlie Sheen. It's Not Available. If You Try It Once, You Will Die. Your Face Will Melt Off And Your Children Will Weep Over Your Exploded Body.

There Was This One Time In Vegas When I Took Four Victoria's Secret Models And Did One Gram Off Each Of Their Bodies Within, Like, 45 Minutes. I Declared Myself King Of Vegas And Decided To Remodel My Hotel Room With My Bare Hands To Resemble King Louis Xiv's Bedroom At Versailles. Knocked Down Two Entire Walls, And Later Had Four Knuckle Surgeries. Still Wasn't As High As Rob Ford.

The Only Thing I'm Addicted To Is Winning. This Bootleg Cult, Arrogantly Referred To As Alcoholics Anonymous, Reports A 5 Percent Success Rate. My Success Rate Is 100 Percent.

Just Tell The Truth And You're Home Free. If There Are Amends To Be Made, You Make Them. You Own It And Move On.