I Realized That It Was Not That

When People Are Suicidal, Their Thinking Is Paralyzed, Their Options Appear Spare Or Nonexistent, Their Mood Is Despairing, And Hopelessness Permeates Their Entire Mental Domain. The Future Cannot Be Separated From The Present, And The Present Is Painful Beyond Solace. ‘this Is My Last Experiment,’ Wrote A Young Chemist In His Suicide Note. ‘if There Is Any Eternal Torment Worse Than Mine I’ll Have To Be Shown.

The Chinese Believe That Before You Can Conquer A Beast You First Must Make It Beautiful. In Some Strange Way, I Have Tried To Do That With Manic-depressive Illness. It Has Been A Fascinating, Albeit Deadly, Enemy And Companion; I Have Found It To Be Seductively Complicated, A Distillation Both Of What Is Finest In Our Natures, And Of What Is Most Dangerous.

I Wish I Could Explain It So Someone Could Understand It. I'm Afraid It's Something I Can't Put Into Words. There's Just This Heavy, Overwhelming Despair - Dreading Everything. Dreading Life. Empty Inside, To The Point Of Numbness. It's Like There's Something Already Dead Inside. My Whole Being Has Been Pulling Back Into That Void For Months. (81)

Which Of My Feelings Are Real? Which Of The Me's Is Me? The Wild, Impulsive, Chaotic, Energetic, And Crazy One? Or The Shy, Withdrawn, Desperate, Suicidal, Doomed, And Tired One? Probably A Bit Of Both, Hopefully Much That Is Neither.

When I Am High I Couldn't Worry About Money Of I Tried. So I Don't. The Money Will Come From From Somewhere; I Am Entitled; God Will Provide. Credit Cards Are Disastrous, Personal Checks Worse. Unfortunately, For Manics Anyway, Mania Is A Natural Extension Of The Economy.