I Never Saw Portsmouth By Day.

I Asked A Girl Who Came From America To England, When I Was Only English, And She Admitted She Had Been To A Drama School. And I Said, "what Did They Teach You?" And She Said, "they Taught Me To Be A Candle Burning In An Empty Room." I'm Happy To Say She Was Laughing While She Said It, But She Meant It. I've Never Learned To Be A Candle Burning In An Empty Room. So I Go On The Screen, And I Say Whatever I'm Told To Say.

I Had A Friend Who Had Two Degrees Of Being Made Up: When Invited I Would Say 'can I Make Up?' And He Would Say 'oh Yes - Tinted?', Or He Would Say, 'oh Yes - Clotted?'

People Say To Me, "when Did You Come Out?" But I Was Never In! When I Was About Six, I Was Swanning Around The House In Clothes That Belonged To My Mother And My Grandmother Which I'd Found In An Attic, Saying, "i Am A Beautiful Princess!" What My Parents Thought Of This, I Don't Know. But They Bore It. And The Real Problem Was Not My Sin, But My Unemployability.

I Found That I Had Become So Spinsterish That I Was Made Neurotic Not Only By My Life Of Domesticity But By The Slightest Derangement Of My Room. I Would Burst Into A Fit Of Weeping If The Kettle Was Not Facing Due East.

When Asked, 'shall I Tell My Mother I'm Gay?', I Reply, 'never Tell Your Mother Anything.