I Just Want To Find Somebody Special,

I Think The Hard Thing About This Job [stand-up] I Mean, I Think This Part Is Great But That The Traveling Is Y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm Gone A Lot From Home And This Time I'm Out For Three-and-a-half Weeks Without Going Home, And That's Hard, To Be Gone Three-and-a-half Weeks 'cause Then I Have To Ask My Friends, "would You Mind Going To The House And Watering The Plants, And Turn Some Lights On And Make It Look Like Somebody's Home, And Make Sure That The Mobile Over The Crib Isn't Tangled Or The Baby's Gonna Get Bored.

Really, He Called Me That? Ellen Degenerate? I've Been Getting That Since Fourth Grade. I Guess I'm Happy I Could Give Him Work.

In The 80's We Had High, High, Waisted Pants, That If They Came Up Any Higher They'd Have To Go Up Another Size, If You Know What I Mean.

We Focus So Much On Our Differences, And That Is Creating, I Think, A Lot Of Chaos And Negativity And Bullying In The World. And I Think If Everybody Focused On What We All Have In Common - Which Is - We All Want To Be Happy.

[airline Food] Is The Tiniest Food I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life. Any Kind Of Meat That You Get - Chicken, Steak, Anything - Has Grill Marks On Each Side, Like Somehow We'll Actually Believe There's An Open-flame Grill In The Front Of The Plane.