I Have Talents Aplenty. Unfortunately, Precious Few

Last Night The United States Dropped Four 2,000 Pound Bombs On Saddam Hussein. I Don't Know Anything About Explosives, But, My God, Do Those Things Even Need To Explode?

Public Service Announcement: In Case Of A Terrorist Attack, Bottled Water And Duct Tape Are Not Going To Do A Damn Thing. So Do What Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge Does: Get Really Drunk, And Pick Up A Hooker.

Chi-os Were Ideal Partners For All Occasions. They Were Discrete, Desirable, Tactful, Polite, And Fun... Every Mom Dreamed Of Her Son Coming Home With A Chi Omega, A Woman's Woman.

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

Scientists Have Discovered A Black Hole That Is 12 Billion Times The Size Of Our Sun. It's Full Of Hillary Clinton Emails.