I Have A Deep And Profound Mistrust

I View My Own Body As A Petting Zoo. I Am The Main Attraction... And The Only Customer.

Last Night On The Show I Had Olympics Fever. Unfortunately, It's Getting Worse. That's Not Good. I Have To Call My Doctor If My Torch Burns For More Than Four Hours.

You Know, Your Whole Life You're Concerned About Money For This And That. And Then You Don't Have To Worry About It, So You Worry About Other Stuff.

Don't Ever Rope Me In As A Late-night Talk Show Host. I Don't Want To Be One.

Being Funny Is A Gift, And, When Done Well, Is An Art Form.