I Get To Do Stand-up Every Single

I Personally Chose To Go Vegan Because I Educated Myself On Factory Farming And Cruelty To Animals, And I Suddenly Realized That What Was On My Plate Were Living Things, With Feelings. And I Just Couldn't Disconnect Myself From It Any Longer. I Read Books Like 'diet For A New America' And Saw Documentaries Like 'earthlings' And 'meet Your Meat,' And It Became An Easy Choice For Me.

I Had No Intention Of Becoming A Comedian. I Just Wanted To Make People Happy. I Tried Everything-i Shucked Oysters, I Painted Houses, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners. But There Was Always A Voice Saying, You Should Be Doing Something Different. And It Was Usually My Boss And I Was Being Fired.

Life Is Short. If You Doubt Me, Ask A Butterfly. Their Average Life Span Is A Mere Five To Fourteen Days.

Sometimes The Greatest Things Are The Most Embarrassing.

I Put A Basketball In Front Of George Clooney's Door And Sprayed It With Supermodel Perfume To Lure Him Out.