I Didn't Invent The Rainy Day. I

Mike Huckabee Said He's The Only Person Who Has Fought The Clinton Political Machine And Won. As Opposed To Democratic Candidate Bernie Sanders, Who's The Only Person Who Fought A Fax Machine And Lost.

Thank You... Motion Sensor Hand Towel Machine. You Never Work, So I Just End Up Looking Like I'm Waving Hello To A Wall Robot.

Another Scandal For Hillary Clinton - They're Saying She Used A Private Email Address When She Was Secretary Of State, Which Means The Government Couldn't Archive And Preserve Her Emails. Then Obama Said, 'don't Worry, We Saw Them. We See Everyone's Emails.'

Hillary Clinton Said That Libyan Leader Moammar Gadhafi Is Engaged In 'theater.' Which Explains The New Strategy To Defeat Him: Casting Him As The Lead In 'spider-man: The Musical.'

The White House Encouraged Tom Brady To Be More Of A Role Model. They Would've Said More, But There Was A Drunken Secret Service Agent Streaking Across The Rose Garden.