How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

People Go To Vegas, And They Don't Know What To Do; Here's What You Do. You Go To The Casino In Your Hotel. On Your Arrival, You Get $100 In Quarters. Take That $100 Back To Your Hotel Room And Stare At It For A Long, Long Time. Why? Because You're Never Going To See Them Again. Then You Take Those Quarters To The Bathroom And You Flush Them, One By One By One. And The Nice Thing About That Is That Every So Often The Toilet Will Back Up, And You'll Feel Like A Winner!

When You're Done [with Writing A Book], People Tell You "well, Gee, I'm Not Interested." "great, I'm Glad I Sat Down And Wrote This!"

It's 2003. Why Can't I Teleport?

The Whole Valentine's Thing Is Fine, But You Don't Back It Up Right Next To The Biggest Gift-giving Holiday Of The Year. Unbelievable. And We Find It Acceptable.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.