History, Sir, Will Tell Lies As Usual.

Life Contains But Two Tragedies. One Is Not To Get Your Heart's Desire; The Other Is To Get It.

A Critic Is One Who Leaves No Turn Unstoned.

My Situation Is A Solemn One: Life Is Offered To Me On The Condition Of Eating Beefsteaks. But Death Is Better Than Cannibalism. My Will Contains Directions For My Funeral, Which Will Be Followed, Not By Mourning Coaches, But By Oxen, Sheep, Flocks Of Poultry, And A Small Traveling Aquarium Of Live Fish, All Wearing White Scarves In Honor Of The Man Who Perished Rather Than Eat His Fellow Creatures. It Will Be, Without The Exception Of Noah's Ark, The Most Remarkable Thing Of Its Kind Ever Seen.

Orchestras Only Need To Be Sworn At, And A German Is Consequently At An Advantage With Them, As English Profanity, Except In America, Has Not Gone Beyond A Limited Technology Of Perdition.

I Dislike Feeling At Home When I Am Abroad.