George Bush Hates Midgets.

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

There Are People Who Would Like To Get Rid Of Minimum Wage. But We Have To Have It, Because If We Didn't Some People Would Not Get Paid Money. They Would Work All Week For Two Loaves Of Bread And Some Spam.

My Goals Were Small. My Goal Was To Become A Big Enough Stand-up That I Wouldn't Have To Do Radio. I Could Sell Out A Club, Which Is Like 300 Seats. If I Got Big Enough, I Could Sell Before I Got There, And I Wouldn't Have To Get Up At 6 In The Morning To Do Radio. That Was Pretty Much The Dream. I Had No Idea I'd Be Playing Madison Square Garden Or Anything.

We Treat Racism In This Country Like It's A Style That America Went Through. Like Flared Legs And Lava Lamps. Oh, That Crazy Thing We Did. We Were Hanging Black People. We Treat It Like A Fad Instead Of A Disease That Eradicates Millions Of People. You've Got To Get It At A Lab, And Study It, And See Its Origins, And See What It's Immune To And What Breaks It Down.

People Say, 'why Is He Bored With Her?' Because He's A Human Being, That's Why; Same Way His Wife Is Bored With Him. That Is Marriage - Anything That's Supposed To Be Forever, Your Going To Get Bored With It. And There Is Nothing Wrong With It, So Don't Take It Personal; If You Are With Somebody For Ten Years And They Are Not Bored With You? Then Something Is Wrong With Them.