Friend Tim Shakes Hands With Perfect Specimen

I'm Sorry, Heather, But Everything Was Not Just Fine Before I Got Here. You Know How I Know That? Because You're Dead. Okay? You Are Dead. Dead People Don't Have Lockers, Or Best Friends, Or Boyfriends. You Know Why? Because They're Dead.-suze Simon

Look, Mr. Uh, Wulf I Appreciate Your Trying To Warn Me About This, Ireally Do. But There's No Such Thing As Vampires. They're Made-up. We Writers Made Them Up. I'm Sorry We Did Such A Good Job That We Made The Whole World Paranoid, But It's True. They're Fictional. Blame Bram Stoker. He Started It.

And Standing Before Me A Bloodied Bottle Of Absolut In Her Hand, Is Mrs. Allington, Her Pink Jogging Suit Drenched, Her Chest Heaving, Her Eyes Filled With Contempt As She Stared Down At Rachel's Prone Body. Mrs. Allington Shakes Her Head. "i'm A Size Twelve," She Says.

I Wonder What It's Like To Live In Tinaville. I Get The Feeling It's Very Shiny There.

I Was An Unhappy Child, And That Puts Me Off Having A Child Of My Own.