For My Stand-up, I Always Have My

Last Night, I Went To A Birthday Party, And This Girl Brought A Cake And A Cheesecake. And The Other Girls That Lived In The Apartment, I Swear To God, All Night Long: 'you're Taking That Cake With You When You Go. That Cake's Not Staying In This House.' Like It's This Evil, Hope Diamond, Nuclear, Horrifying Cursed Thing.

I Would Never Join The Tea Partiers, Because I Don't Have A Problem With The Color Of Obama's Skin. I Don't Have A Problem With Immigrants. You Know What I Mean? I Do Have Genuine Problems With Policy And Government Corruption. Sure I Do. And I Speak Very Candidly About That, Regardless Of Who's In Office. But Since The Tea Partiers Are Ridiculous, Why Would I Urge Anyone To Participate With Them?

Blood May Be Thicker Than Water, But It Is Still Sticky, Unpleasant And Generally Nauseating.

You Get Pigeonholed By What You Sort Of Look Like. And I Don't Mean This In A Self-deprecating Way. I'm Grateful For Any Opportunity To Act. But I Think That If You're Not Classically Attractive Or Mainstream Attractive, Especially As You Get Older, There's Only Like Three Jobs That People Think You Do. Like, "police Officer Who May Be Gay." District Attorney Is A Big One. Lawyer. Doctor.

I'm Almost 46. You Become No Longer Even Regarded In A Sexual Way. As You Get Older You're Just Taken Out Of That Realm. So It's Not Anything That Particularly Confronts Me Very Much At All.