Everything Good That Happened To Me Happened

I Don't Deserve This Award, But I Have Arthritis And I Don't Deserve That Either.

Any Man Who Would Walk Five Miles Through The Snow, Barefoot, Just To Return A Library Book So He Could Save Three Cents - That's My Kind Of Guy.

When Another Comedian Has A Lousy Show, I'm The First One To Admit It.

I Must Be Cheaper Now Than I Was Ten Years Ago In Order To Get A Laugh. It's Not Funny Now If I Leave The Table And Give The Waiter A Nickel Tip, Which Was A Laugh Years Ago. Today I Must Maneuver It So That Somehow I Get The Waiter To Give Me A Nickel Tip.

I Believe In Being Honest With Myself. If There's One Thing I Hate It's When A Comedian Is Great And Won't Admit It. I've Never Met One Like That, But If I Did, I'd Hate Them.