Everyone Looks Retarded Once You Set Your

If You Aren't Cute, You May As Well Be Clever.

As Bad A Dresser As I Am, Anything Beats Being Judged By My Character.

I'm Not A Reporter But The 'new Yorker' Treats Everyone Like A Reporter.

The Only Bright Spot In The Entire Evening Was The Presence Of Kevin "tubby" Matchwell, The Eleven-year-old Porker Who Tackled The Role Of Santa With A Beguiling Authenticity. The False Beard Tended To Muffle His Speech, But They Could Hear His Chafing Thighs All The Way To The North Pole.

There Seemed To Be Some Correlation Between Devotion To God And A Misguided Zeal For Marshmallows.