During A Speech On Sunday, President Obama

Officials From The Soccer Organization Fifa, Which Decides Which Cities Get To Host The World Cup, Are Accused Of Accepting Bribes When Making Their Decision. Of Course The Toughest Part For The Soccer Officials Was Taking Bribes Without Using Their Hands.

Don't Keep Reaching For The Stars Because You'll Just Look Like An Idiot Stretching That Way For No Reason.

I Never Sing In The Shower. It's Very Dangerous.

The Acting Director Of The Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, Said They May Make The Fence Around The White House Taller Because Of The Recent Security Failures. When Asked If He Had Any Other Ideas, He Said, 'uh, Make The Sidewalk Lower?'

In Celebration Of Mother's Day Yesterday, President Obama Called Three Moms Who Had Written Him Letters. Then Kids Who Made Their Mom A Macaroni Necklace Said, 'thanks, Obama.'