Dogs Are Nicer Than People.

Those To Whom His Word Was Revealed Were Always Alone In Some Remote Place, Like Moses. There Wasn't Anyone Else Around When Mohammed Got The Word Either. Mormon Joseph Smith And Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, Had Exclusive Audiences With God. We Have To Trust Them As Reporters--and You Know How Reporters Are. They'll Do Anything For A Story.

Would A Real Man Get Caught Eating A Twinkie?

It's Ridiculous For A Country To Get All Worked Up About A Game—except The Super Bowl, Of Course. Now That's Important.

Don't You Hate It When...your Suitcase Is The Last One Off The Airplane?

The Only Thing That Really Bugs Me About Television's Coverage Is Those Damn Women They Have Down On The Sidelines Who Don't Know What The Hell They're Talking About. I Mean, I'm Not A Sexist Person, But A Woman Has No Business Being Down There Trying To Make Some Comment About A Football Game.