Bill Murray Is On The Show Tonight.

Yesterday Was The New York City Marathon. Republicans Won In A Landslide.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Liberal Judges Need To Rewrite The Constitution Every Few Days To Suit Fringe Kooks Who Would Never Get Their Agendas Past The Voters.

Number One: Don't Frisk Me. Don't Hurt Me Physically. Don't Get Anywhere Near My Neck. And Don't Call Me Regis.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.