All These Jokes Have Been Pre-approved As

I Don't Need A Receipt For A Doughnut. I'll Just Give You The Money, And You Give Me The Doughnut. End Of Transaction! We Don't Need To Bring Ink And Paper Into This! I Can't Imagine A Scenario Where I'd Have To Prove That I Bought A Doughnut. Some Skeptical Friend...'don't Even Act Like I Didn't Buy That Doughnut! I've Got The Documentation Right Here! Oh, Wait, It's Back Home, In The File. Under D...for Doughnut.'

People Associate Long Hair With Drug Use. I Wish People Associated Long Hair With Something Other Than Drug Use, Like An Extreme Longing For Cake. And Then Strangers Would See A Long Haired Guy And Say, "that Guy Eats Cake!" "he Is On Bundt Cake!" Mothers Saying To Their Daughters, "don't Bring The Cake Eater Over Here Anymore. He Smells Like Flour. Did You See How Excited He Got When He Found Out Your Birthday Was Fast Approaching?"

A Minibar Is A Machine That Makes Everything Expensive. When I Take Something Out Of The Minibar, I Always Fathom That I'll Go And Replace It Before They Check It Off, But They Make That Stuff Impossible To Replace. I Go To The Store And Ask, 'do You Have Coke In A Glass Harmonica ...do You Have Individually Wrapped Cashews'

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

The Depressing Thing About Tennis Is That No Matter How Good I Get, I'll Never Be As Good As A Wall.