All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids.

Am I Proud Of Being Straight? No. You Know Why? Because If I Start Acting Proud, That's Going To Make Me Seem Kind Of Gay.

I Love The Internet, And The Internet Loves Me Back. Why Else Would It Offer Me So Much Sex?

Usually When Donald Trump Wants To Keep Someone Out Of Military Service, He Just Fakes A Doctor's Note Saying He Has A Foot Injury. It Worked Fine For Him During Vietnam.

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.

I'll Make Fun Of Anybody. We're All About Falling Down And Going Boom On Camera.