Air Travel Is The Safest Form Of

Alaska Is What Happens When Willy Wonka And The Witch From Hansel And Gretel Elope, Buy A Place Together Upstate, Renounce Their Sweet Teeth, And Turn Into Health Fanatics.

I Was Compiling A List In My Head Titled 'reasons To Get Up: You Don't Have To Leave, But You Can't Pee Here.

Because, Ten-year-olds Of The World, You Shouldn't Believe What Your Teachers Tell You About The Beauty And Specialness And Uniqueness Of You. Or, Believe It, Little Snowflake, But Know It Won't Make A Bit Of Difference Until After Puberty. It's Newton's Lost Law: Anything That Makes You Unique Later Will Get Your Chocolate Milk Stolen And Your Eye Blackened As A Kid. Won't It, Sebastian? Oh, Yes, It Will, My Little Mandarin Chinese-learning, Poe-reciting, High-top-wearing Friend. God Bless You, Wherever You Are.

I Used To Think That Nails-down-a-chalkboard Was The Worst Sound In The World. Then I Moved On To People-eating-cereal-on-the-phone. But Only This Week Did I Stumble Across The Rightful Winner: It's The Sound Of A Baggage Carousel Coming To A Grinding Halt, Having Reunited Every Passenger On Your Flight With Their Luggage, Except For You.

Unless You Are A Professional, You Will Find The Tart To Be A High-maintenance, Unforgiving Whistle-blower Of A Pastry.